LEARN FROM MY PAIN

 

1

Maybe it’s the way I look or talk or carry myself. Maybe I talk the big game. But honestly, I am not the type of guy who jumps onto every chick I meet. Ok let me correct that. Am quite picky with my women, it doesn’t sound any better but it’s believable.

Anyway to my point. Have you ever met a woman not meet, scratch that. Have you ever seen a woman and with that first fast glance you see yourself growing old with her? Let me freeze that moment for you. You walking by minding your own business and suddenly your neck feels a great urge to turn and now picture this in slow motion. Stands a beautiful lady staring back at you.

Am sure this lady has no features in your imagination apart from being beautiful, but damn it, all I saw were those eyes and I was sold. I didn’t want to know if she was whatever. Those eyes had everything I was looking for and that single moment, that second is frozen somewhere in my vulnerabilities. Where I keep the thoughts and perhaps desire of what could have been.

My grandfather used to tell me everybody has a love story. They just don’t know it but everyone has that story to when they can really say they met THE ONE. Well this is my story.

See, for years I have called it my Mpesa story but the truth of the matter is it’s not. Its, really not. I was minding my own business in our little remote tow

n where I stay along the outskirts of Nairobi. When the moment I described above happened. I saw this amazing beautiful girl staring somewhere, I thought she was staring at me. One thing am sure though is that for that moment our eyes met.

 

I don’t actually walk up to girls. Am more of the behind the scenes guy who magically finds your number and hits you with a ‘hi’. But I walked up to this girl and it was just for her number. I remember stepping into the shop, catching those big beautiful eyes, that plump round face and I just loved how short she was. I did not know what stupid thing I said but it got her smiling and damn that smile. Who wouldn’t love it?

I got her number and got out as fast as possible. Mission accomplished. Started texting her five steps away and first order of business was to establish if she was single and damn right she was. We kept on texting but this 21st century love wasn’t for the two of us. Ours, let me call it love for those who are slow and haven’t gotten the flow yet. Ours was the old fashioned type. Be with each other as much as possible. For months, I would spend most of my time with her and we fell madly in love with each other.

We got to know each other. Know what each liked what each hated. What one had gone through and what one hoped for. I could swear for months of hanging out with this girl, I had never touched her. Apart from a few handshakes and those accidental brushes. I wasn’t in a hurry I wasn’t looking for anything I had found everything. I could take all the time I needed to take it in.

I remember our first kiss. Yeah am that hung on and am a guy but fuck it you haven’t met this woman. You see, I have forgotten lots of major things in my life but there are some things I remember to the last detail. In my whole being I have never enjoyed a kiss. That was the first. It felt something and I wanted to just kiss her again and again.

Let’s just settle this, I have kissed lots of girls before and after this experience and it feels like a formality. Like something you do to get somewhere. Like putting your car in gear so that it can move. It feels like a process. But when it comes to this girl I don’t know you get the chills, the goosebumps when you feel her breath right under your nose. Your mind goes completely blank you can’t think youjust anticipate. In fact, your mind is so blank that you don’t even realize your eyes are shut. You are not in control of shit. I just don’t know how to explain it to you because all I can remember is what I felt at the moment and how that moment felt like.

So am sure by now, you all agree with me that is love. I had found it. In the 21st century a 20 year old guy had found love with an 18 yr. old girl. True love. And she wasn’t my first love don’t ever confuse that. Honestly, I thought that was the rest of my life. She will always be there for me. I will be there for her and that the love was strong enough to just endure every challenge thrown our way. I had never been so wrong in my short life. Never.

We fell apart at the slightest challenge that came our way. Both of us coming from families with single parents we had our insecurities. Not in a bad way, we didn’t want to end up like our parents. For her, she hated that she let me get so close that she had put her guard down and she feared I could hurt her so bad if I got closer. On my part, I was just immature I really didn’t know what I had and I took it for granted.

We started fighting over the phone, but, immediately we saw each other we forgot everything and we were back into each other’s arms. One day, she just left. Without a warning. Without a goodbye. She just left. I tried all I could to convince her, what she meant to me but she could hear none of it. I remember the last time I saw her. She was struggling with emotions too we couldn’t really talk. I was frustrated because I thought she was punishing me.

I remember I never said bye. Saying bye would be admitting its over. I just left. It was very painful but I just had to do it. It’s either that or am left alone at the side of the road because she wouldn’t even sit down with me at a hotel for a chat. At the time I never really understood what I had done wrong. Lots of accusations were thrown but now I really see the bigger picture. I just had to go, she couldn’t allow me to get so close to her. She couldn’t give me the power of eventually hurting her. Like the narrative goes all men are dogs and blah blah blah.

 

So why am I writing this? Why am I putting my vulnerabilities out there? Why don’t I keep it in like a normal African man and die with my pain? Why am I opening up like a woman? First, I don’t know if it’s me but fuck it love exists. Yes love really exists and apart from having the privilege of witnessing true love first hand (my grandparents), I have experienced true love and not infatuation.

The reason am writing this is because of some young man or woman out there. Been through so much. Your priorities have been formatted and upgraded. You all operating on a new software. Your systems were hacked. When money, looks, color, fashion is the reason why you are with the man or woman you are with now, then you are in it for the wrong reason. If you are dating just for the heck of it then it’s just wrong. I think it is time, we, this generation stops rushing into things and take their time to really understand their position.

 

From where I stand, it has been four years after last seeing this girl. I have never really dated. Not because I didn’t want to but because I have never felt half of what I felt then. Most girls I have met would attest to this. I have been no committal and I just walk away. This is because I know how it feels to love and be loved and if am not giving or getting that then am being unfair to my partner and to  myself.

 

This experience taught me one thing. One big lesson. This heart, the home to our soul, you can’t cheat it. You may desire a lot but when you finally meet that person. She is the only one who will matter. So don’t play with people’s emotions. Don’t play with your emotions. Don’t confuse yourself further. Just follow your heart and it will do the right thing. If you are really in pursuit of happiness, happiness is found within you. Just give yourself that time to grow.

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